He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame. Proverbs 18:13
Being a good listener isn’t easy, and it’s even harder in the midst of conflict. Why is it so hard? Here’s the challenge when it comes to listening: There is what they said, then there is what we think they said, then there is what they meant by what they said, and then there is what we think they meant by what they said…AND then there are all the emotions and feelings beneath the words (what are they really saying—or asking)?! That’s a lot of potential for misunderstanding!
One of my nephews is quite a charmer. When he was little, he could get by with things because he would smile and nod and smooth things over. But he did something one day that his mother was determined for him to obey. She said, “Listen to me! I mean it! If you ever do that again, I am going to spank you so hard you won’t be able to sit down for a week.” He went inside to his first-grade class,, crying. When his teacher asked him what was wrong, he said, “My mom said if I get in trouble today, she is going to break both my legs.” There is what she said versus what he heard!
Here are some quick guidelines to help you listen. When the other person speaks:
- Don’t interrupt
- Don’t plan your rebuttal
- Ask clarifying questions with the goal to hear what they said and what they meant by what they said.
These three steps seem so simple, but are quite challenging to do in a heated conversation. Keep trying, even when you fail; it will get easier and eventually become a habit.
The goal: to hear and understand what is being said. Most of the time our goal is: to defend ourselves, to get the last word, to control the situation, to win the argument, to maintain power. What does God say? Be quick to hear and to listen. That’s love. Answering before listening. That is folly and a shame.
*Start with step one. Decide this week you will not interrupt when someone is talking to you.
Dear Jesus, I need Your help loving others in this simple way. Remind me how important is it to truly hear what the person is trying to convey. Thank You for always understanding me. In Your sweet name I pray, Amen.
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